Disclaimer: The characters and everything else 'Star Trek' belong to Paramount Pictures. I'm just 'borrowing' them for a short while, for non-profit purposes. Please note that this story contains scenes of a male/male relationship, though no blatant sex. If this is likely to offend you, please stop reading. That also goes if you are underage or if it is illegal for you to be reading this in your particular locale. You have been warned, so don't write to me if you become offended - that's your problem!

Notes: This story is set in an Alternate Universe (AU). In this story, Voyager is not close to getting home. They still have a long way to go. It is also set about 10 years into their future. For those of you who've read a bit of Voyager slash, you'll know what I mean when I say that this is a C/P story.

I've taken a big liberty in this story... It's hard to explain it, without spoiling the story, so all I'm going to say is that it will be revealed at the end of this chapter. Please read the story before checking out 'what' this liberty is, and 'why' I've taken it...

Warning: This story contains character deaths. If this is likely to bother you, please leave now!

Feedback: I welcome all feedback - good and bad. Ugly feedback will be ignored. You can express your thoughts about this story by emailing me here: rh_chan@hotmail.com

Remembrance - Part II

On that morning, three days ago, I woke up to a darkness that had little to do with the lack of light in my quarters...

I had bolted upright in my bed, torrents of sweat pouring from every pore, feeling the scream in my throat starting to abate and feeling the pounding of my heart starting to slow.

"Computer: lights - half intensity," I had called out hoarsely, hoping to find some comfort from the darkness.

Not that it did any good... the lights could have been on at their highest setting, and I still would have felt as if I was crawling around in the dark. Nothing in my world was bright anymore. Not my work, not my friends, not my sleep. Everything was dark.

Unbidden came the thought of all that I had lost. I ruthlessly quashed it, not giving in to the daily ritual of self-pity and endless crying that had taken control of my life since that fateful day, three days earlier... six days ago, now... the day I had lost the one person who had meant anything - no, everything! - to me. The day I had lost my husband of seven years, Tom Paris.

Unbidden once again, the tears started to flow from my eyes. And once again, I ruthlessly reined in my emotions.

For that day, Tom was going to be laid to rest...

I had to have a clear head. I had to get through the day in one piece, even though all I really wanted to do was to cry myself into oblivion. The captain was going to give the eulogy, but I was expected to say some words, as his 'widower husband'...

How I despised those words! How I hated their meaning!

How I hated him for leaving me...

I'm so sorry, Tom! Please forgive me! Please forgive this silly, irrational, stupid old fool of a husband of yours! I don't mean it. I hate a lot of things, but never you! Never you, my love!

I remained in bed for the next four hours. I had nothing better to do, nor the energy to pace aimlessly around our - my - quarters like I'd done the previous few days. I had been forbidden from entering the Bridge, and nothing else I could think of doing was going to help me keep my mind off Tom...

Tom... My Tom... Thomas Eugene Paris...

I still feel a thrill at how those three words have radically changed meaning for me. How they have come to mean hope, love, devotion, friendship and incomparable happiness.

It wasn't always that way. In fact, until eight and a half years ago, the name Tom Paris filled me with anger and indignation. It meant failure, on my part, for recruiting someone who was weak-willed. Failure for recruiting someone who had cost me some of my most valuable officers in the Maquis.

They had all ended up in a federation penal colony. They had been caught in a raid on his first mission for the Maquis as a pilot, and all because he had a drinking problem that I hadn't noticed. Or if I had, and in the privacy of my mind I knew that I had, it was something that I had refused to acknowledge or fix...

Damn him! I snorted helplessly in self-pitying humour. I should have known that I was the one in the wrong... It was only now, after eight and a half years of unflinching love and trust, and when he was no longer around so that I could apologise to him or beg for his forgiveness, that I realised the onus had been on me to help him out all those years ago.

I was the one who was ultimately responsible for their capture. I should have done more to help Tom, even back then. But something about him had caused me to treat him so differently from all the others in my Maquis cell. He didn't get any of the same attention or consideration that I gave the others...

How could I have been so stupid? So blind? How could I have felt so angry and disappointed with someone who was ultimately blameless? Someone who needed my understanding and help more than my derision...

It took me many years to get over the anger, and even longer to get over the disappointment. And I've only just now realised that none of it was necessary. I was the one at fault. It was because of my stupidity, my close-mindedness that he and I had lost all those precious years when we could have been together...

Eight and a half years seems so short now, when it could have been - should have been - so much more.

My mind flailed around listlessly in this fashion for the next few hours until I realised it was time to get ready for the service.

I was presentable by the time Kathryn appeared at my doorway. She looked absolutely stunning as usual; her marriage to Harry four years ago seemed to agree with her. I can honestly say the same thing about B'Elanna and Joe Carey. It took them almost as long to find each other as Tom and I did, but now they're extremely happy.

Unlike me... my tortured thoughts chose that moment to say, causing my tentative smile to flee and my eyes to start to water. No! I'm not going to break down before I've even had a chance to say goodbye to him! I silently raged to myself.

Kathryn accompanied me to the shuttlebay... I know what you're thinking: 'The shuttlebay?' Yes - the shuttlebay. It was Tom's last request. He wanted the service to be conducted there - close to the shuttles that he flew so expertly, and in full view of the stars and the void of space just beyond the force curtain.

It had been a battle of wills, but I had eventually won out. No matter how strongly Kathryn and Tuvok had argued for the service to be held in the Messhall, or on the holodeck, I overruled them. I wasn't about to let my husband's final wish be denied! There was no way I was going to make his last plea to me, made while he was in the throes of agonising and torturous pain, go unfulfilled! Hell would freeze over before I went against that one agonised and heart-wrenching plea that had escaped from his dry, cracked, and thinning lips, and which had found its way directly to my soul...

His last wish was not going to be denied, even if I had to move Heaven and Earth to make it come true!

My attention was brought crashing back to the present - back to the strangely silent cavernous shuttlebay - when Kathryn reached across and gently touched my elbow. She always seemed to know when I was overcome with emotion. I smiled at her tentatively as I brushed the newly-formed tears from my eyes.

The service was thankfully short. Kathryn's speech was simply beautiful. It had many people in tears, as well as making them smile fondly at some of my husband's more amusing antics...

Oh, how I'm going to miss your fooling around, Tom! I'm going to miss seeing your smile, and hearing your laugh. Even more, I'm going to miss seeing the stunning beauty of your face, and the twinkling in your eyes, as you break into a smile... Oh, Spirits, it's not fair!

To be frank, I can't recall what I said when it was my turn to speak. All I saw, when I got up to the podium, was a veritable sea of faces looking back at me. I don't think that a single crewmember, other than the minimal skeleton crew who were on duty, was absent. That revelation alone, almost undid me... perhaps it did? I can't honestly recall what happened after that point, besides my mind going numb, until I came back to my senses in the Messhall.

The first thing I heard, when I became conscious of my surroundings once more, was B'Elanna's voice reminiscing about how surprised she was that Tom and I had been together for over a year before anyone else had found out...

Yes, Tom and I had done a pretty good job of keeping our fledgling love hidden from everyone's prying eyes. As I had discovered, when he and I started getting closer than friends normally got, Tom was a very private individual. I couldn't have been more surprised had he hit me over the head with a mallet! He was exactly like me in that regard. I was a person who guarded my personal life jealously. It was no one else's business whom I was seeing, or for what reason! And the added pressure of knowing that tongues were going to wag at my 'departure' from celibacy made me more anxious still. However, in Tom's desire for privacy, I had found a kindred spirit.

That, in addition to his somewhat overrated reputation as a gigolo, ensured that we kept our growing love hidden away from everyone's eyes; including those of our closest friends. By the time they had started discovering our secret, it had become almost second nature for us to act professionally when around other people.

B'Elanna's next question caught me completely off guard. She had asked her companions, whom I hadn't turned around to see as yet, whether they could recall the first time that they'd found out about Tom and I.

I wasn't surprised to hear both Harry and Kathryn respond. Along with B'Elanna, they were our closest friends. I was surprised though, to not hear the voices of Tuvok, Joe Carey, or the Doctor, as they were also fairly close to us. Maybe they'd been detained elsewhere? With the exception of Joe Carey, of course - he was on duty in Engineering.

The only others who had been close to us, but who were no longer with us, were Neelix and Seven...

Neelix had died on an away mission two years earlier. We still miss him dearly - his presence seemed to fill the ship and it doesn't feel the same without him. Tom had cried a great deal after the death of our self-appointed 'morale officer'. He and Neelix had become good friends over the years, and Tom took his death pretty hard...

Seven eventually gave into her fears and abandoned ship less than a year ago when we came across a wormhole that promised to take us back to the Alpha Quadrant. No matter how hard we tried to persuade her to come along, she was adamant that she couldn't, and eventually made us drop her off at the nearest habitable planet to the wormhole. The irony of the whole situation was that the wormhole did not have a stable terminus, and by the time we went through it, we found that it had shifted location and had only taken us fifteen years closer to our destination. We were still in the Delta Quadrant, and we still had over thirty years of travelling to do...

Oh well, that's all ancient history now.

Kathryn was the first to speak about how she had discovered we were a couple. I sat and listened, already knowing what she would say once she started describing the garden. After all, she had asked us where the garden was located, so Tom and I had realised that she must have seen us during one of our special trips there...

I just wasn't prepared for the rest of her tale...

Stabbing pain coursed through my body as she recounted seeing Tom in my arms. I almost sobbed out loud as she described the kiss he had given my hand. Even now, over seven years after it had happened I could still recall every thought, every feeling that flooded through my body at the touch of his lips on the palm of my hand. Oh, Tom...

The heat from his body, as his back lay nestled against my chest was a comforting feeling. His head, resting back against my shoulder, and his shining, golden hair laying gently against my shirt, was simply breathtaking to behold. What little I could see of his face at that angle, just a hint of his beautiful, patrician nose and those marvellous lips which tortured and pleased me so well, was similarly breathtaking.

But when he gently pulled my right hand away from its resting place on his stomach and brought it up to his lips, I... I thought I was going to die! As his eyes closed and his lips brushed softly - sensuously - against my palm, sending an erotic pulse through my whole body and making my heart race, I could only stare mutely at my lover, could only gaze longingly, and lovingly, at the sweet angel in human form who had made me the happiest man alive...

If I hadn't been so blissfully happy at that time, I think I would have reacted the same way as Kathryn. That simple kiss - just the memory of it - still has the power to haunt my dreams and reduce me to tears.

Damn it! It's not fair! I can never hold him again! I can never feel his body pressed against mine. I can never feel the burning touch of his hands, or his lips - those sweet lips - burning into my soul... Why? Oh Spirits, WHY?

It was difficult to remain silent while Kathryn talked, but I forced myself to do it, having to resort to taking continual shallow breaths to avoid my emotions from spilling out of me in a flood. I knew that Harry and B'Elanna would also speak - recounting the times that they'd found out about our secret. And although I felt a sense of dread at this, I knew that I had to hear them out, no matter how painful, or how hard, it might be.

B'Elanna spoke up next, once Kathryn had settled, recounting her 'discovery' of our relationship. Again, as soon as she'd started talking, I knew what she was going to relate, as I had been there when she had 'dropped the bomb' (one of Tom's favourite 20th century sayings, and a habit of his that has rubbed off on me). I can still recall the shock and amazement I'd felt when she'd told me to go find Tom and talk to him. I had been careful, the entire time I had been speaking to her, to not mention his name, or his gender - just saying 'them' where I would've normally said 'he', 'him' or 'Tom'. But she had already known, or at least figured it out, even before I'd given her my little speech.

I was quite stunned to hear her say that she could have easily sabotaged Tom's and my relationship. It hadn't even entered my mind that day, when I confessed to her that I loved him, that she would have had the motive and opportunity to try breaking us up. For more reasons than I can recount, I'm eternally grateful to her for not doing so. Tom and I have always trusted B'Elanna... it's a relief to know that our trust in her was justified and appreciated.

B'Elanna had been right, of course. Tom did look extremely bad when I found him and apologised to him. He also apologised to me and we made up in the most spectacular way. Though we had many more arguments after that, even after we were married, we never spent any further time apart. Neither of us could go through something like that again. The pain we'd felt while separated was far worse than any amount of hurt we felt while shouting at each other...

Kathryn prompted Harry to speak next. I half-suspected I knew what event Harry was going to relate, and I was not surprised to be vindicated. In Harry's case, more than any other, I knew the exact time he had found out about us. Because he hadn't stumbled across it... he had been handed the information on an 'electronic' silver platter.

The Doctor's sudden interjection at that point was a surprise... I hadn't seen or heard him approach the other table, even though I hadn't glanced back at them even once during that evening.

For some unknown reason though, I sensed - or rather, knew - that another person - besides the Doctor - was sitting at their table as well. I could almost feel something familiar in that presence... I brought my attention back to Harry's voice when he started speaking again, though my mind remained occupied in puzzling out who - or what - I had sensed...

I've long since forgiven and forgotten about the hurt I felt at Tom's decision to 'out' our relationship to his best friend. I knew that Tom and I would've had to make our relationship public sooner or later - actually, it was going to be 'sooner' as we were both keen to get married - but I hadn't wanted to tell anyone else until we were ready to approach the captain.

That was the first major argument we had... He was adamant that Harry had a right to know. I argued that Harry would find out soon enough when we asked the captain to marry us. He wasn't happy with that answer and our argument escalated into a shouting match soon after that. Finally, he conceded that he wouldn't tell Harry. I should have known that he had capitulated too soon.

So when he showed up on the Bridge and went through that elaborate charade of having 'accidentally' mixed up the PADDs, I was understandably angry with him. I just couldn't help but think that he had gone behind my back, and against my wishes to keep it private for a couple more weeks...

It was only right then, as I overheard Harry tell the others how calm and happy Tom appeared to be after having 'leaked' the news to him, that I realised how much it had mattered to Tom for Harry to know...

I couldn't help but become angry with myself all over again for having hurt Tom in this way, even though it was too late now to do anything about it... It also didn't help me to recall that this whole situation led to our really big fight - the one where we separated from each other for three extremely long, and extremely painful, days...

...the separation which B'Elanna had stumbled across, and which she had recounted to her table companions just moments before.

Oh Tom, please forgive me... I should have realised what this meant to you... You were often pig-headed and stubborn, love, but never more so than when it was really important to you... I should have known! I should have known, love! I'm so sorry!

The Doctor started speaking next, which surprised me out of my plummeting emotional state. I couldn't recall of any occasion that Tom and I had slipped up in front of him prior to our wedding. I was curious to hear what he had to say...

With a sinking heart, and a return of the plummeting feeling I had felt moments before, I listened to him speak. I could easily recall the day in question which he had started to recount. It was the day before we had asked the captain to marry us. The day before we'd made our relationship public knowledge. It had been one of the happiest days of my life. It had also been one of the most stressful as well. Tears threatened to flow as I recalled that day, with the Doctor's singsong-like voice adding a background buzz to my recollection...

Tom was doing a short stint in sickbay. A task he did not relish, though he was good at it by all accounts - the Doctor never prevaricated on that point. I had been feeling nervous all day as I tried to contemplate how we were going to approach the captain the next day, to ask her to marry us.

We didn't know that she already knew about us at that point. It was about a day or so later that she asked us about the location of the garden - well after the time we'd approached her and she'd agreed to marry us, and well after we'd made our engagement official.

So, without knowing what sort of reception our request would receive, Tom and I has started fretting about what might happen when we approached her...

Finally, with nerves frayed almost to breaking point, I risked a chance of discovery by heading off to speak to my sweetheart in Sickbay. To say he was surprised was an understatement. He almost went ballistic - another one of his favourite words - with anxiety that we would be discovered. The only thing which settled him down was seeing me in such a panic about the request we were going to make of the captain the following day...

He simply stopped worrying about everything! That's all I can put it down to... It would account for how his attitude and manner changed so completely - so thoroughly - in an instant.

He took me into his arms and held me, gently squeezing me and calling me a 'silly goose'. He also kept kissing the side of my head, sometimes planting a kiss on my ear, or my neck, or my uniform-covered shoulder. He managed to ease all my tension away.

After we had both calmed down, he sat me down on a bio-bed and sat down next to me, picking up both my hands in his. Feeling the pressure of his fingers against mine was like magic. I could do nothing other than just sit there, holding his hands as if my life depended on it, and gazing into his beautiful, blue-grey restful eyes, as a wave of contentment washed over me.

He gently eased himself forward and tenderly kissed me. It was utterly breathtaking, regardless of the fact that it wasn't rough or demanding. In fact, Tom's tender kisses are - were - usually the most intense. I certainly didn't have any breath left when we separated God knows how long afterwards... I also came back to my senses and realised that the world hadn't stopped during our kiss, contrary to what my mind had been telling me. Once he had assured himself that I was completely relaxed, he reached over and brought his hand to the back of my head, applying gentle pressure to bring my head to rest against his own. He then sought out my hands once again and held onto them tightly. I had never felt more relaxed or more at peace with him. I felt so close to him at that moment, that it was difficult to think of myself as being a separate being from him...

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Damn it all! Why did the Doctor have to remember this particular moment?

I struggled once more to keep my severely battered emotions in check. I was so close to letting my control go... So close to crying out in rage at the spirits who had taken my precious husband away from me. So close to venting out all the anger and endless pain which coursed through my body in a blood-curdling scream of despair!

Somehow, though, I managed to get my fragile emotions back under control...

A short time later, with the captain's gentle prompting, the 'familiar' presence made itself known as 'Tuvok'. My mind knew that it was Tuvok all along, not many other people would have sat down with Kathryn and B'Elanna, except for Carey, of course... But regardless of what my mind knew, my heart was telling me something else...

Tuvok recounted some very old history... I had almost forgotten about the Monean incident. My main concern, back then, was to see that Tom wasn't treated unfairly by the captain. She had demoted him to Ensign, and I, as well as a large part of the crew, had considered that to be punishment enough. But she had also sentenced him to thirty days in solitary confinement...

I was only starting to develop my friendship with Tom at that point. I did not have any ulterior motives in trying to get the captain to rescind his punishment. At least, I don't recall having any motives other than fair play. But Tuvok seemed to think that that was one of the earliest signs that Tom and I would eventually end up together. Maybe he was right... Maybe I had feelings for Tom even back then...?

When Tuvok started talking about the communiqué from Cullah's ship, I felt my emotions start to slide even further. I wasn't ready to relive that occasion again... especially without Tom there to hold me and to comfort me.

I still find it hard to think about my son, and what those murderous bastards did to him, without breaking down. When I heard Cullah's voice over the Bridge speakers, laughing as he told me that he had killed 'Seska's bastard', I felt my stomach lurch. I was literally sick to my stomach - my world had been taken out from under me.

My eyes and Tom's sought out each other's at the same instant. The shock, the pain, the sympathy, the absolute and unconditional love and understanding showing in his eyes was almost more than I could bear. I knew he was just as devastated at the news as I was. He had heard me talk about my son often enough to know how much he meant to me. He, more than anyone else, knew exactly what, and how much, I had lost in that instant...

I had to struggle to keep myself from rushing to him... to bury my head in his shoulder and to cry in his arms as he held me tight.

I had to struggle even harder to keep my yearning for his support and strength from reaching my face. Other than the recently promoted Lieutenant Kim, no one else on the Bridge knew about us, and I wasn't about to make it public knowledge yet.

I left the Bridge...

I couldn't stay there. If I had forced myself to stay and look at the back on my fiancé-to-be, while he and I suffered through this turmoil silently, then I would have broken down without a doubt. So, I left the Bridge and entered the captain's Ready Room. As soon as the door closed behind me, I tried to make myself cry - but the tears wouldn't come. It was almost as if they were waiting for a catalyst to release them. And the catalyst appeared in the doorway several moments later. Tom swiftly engulfed me in a hug. He didn't say a word. He didn't have to. I knew how he felt. I knew what this meant to him as well. And in that instant I found myself crying bitterly in concert with him...

A hand on my shoulder brought my attention crashing back to the present with a start. Without looking up, I sat and listened as Tuvok told me how sorry he was, and how badly Tom would be missed. The words were almost clichéd, but I could sense the truth and sincerity behind them.

I simply nodded, not trusting myself to speak at that moment, or my tenuous hold on my emotions would be lost. Tuvok seemed to accept my silent thanks, and started to walk away.

When he stopped and said my name, said 'Chakotay' instead of 'Commander', I felt my heart skip a beat. I jerked my head up, almost expecting to see my husband standing in front of me. Tom!

But it was only Tuvok - a tear-streaked Tuvok standing before me.

I had to fight with every ounce of my strength and spirit to prevent a sense of despair from claiming me as Tuvok made his offer of a mind-meld. I'd never battled as hard as at that moment... Tuvok had made the offer, but my Tom was the instigator behind it. I'd never been more sure of anything in my life. I didn't need Tuvok to tell me that he felt as if Tom was standing next to him. I knew it. I could sense my beloved's presence in front of me, as if he were really standing there...

And I also knew, without a doubt, how much Tom had loved me - Tuvok wasn't telling me anything new... However, hearing it spoken with such conviction, with utter certainty, from a third party, reduced me to tears.

It was because of that, and because of a sense that my husband was behind it all, that I took Tuvok up on his offer. I could feel the rightness behind the decision. I could sense my beloved's wish that I do this. I could sense his worry that I would be so overcome with grief that I would do something stupid. But most of all, I could sense his need for me to become one with him. In the offer of Tuvok's mind-meld, Tom was finally going to be a part of me, and I of him, as we had always wished to be... two souls in a single body... forever!

Damn it! I'm crying again! I just can't seem to stop myself these days...

Tuvok's - Tom's - offer was made three days ago, at the 'wake' after the funeral service.

Tonight, Tuvok will be coming to my quarters to initiate the meld. I guess I'm as prepared for this as I'll ever be, even though I would have liked to have had the support, and sanction, of my spirit guide -- but meditation has eluded me for the past six days...

I don't know what the days ahead hold for me. Most days I don't care. Even now, I just want to curl up and sleep myself into oblivion. I don't want to wake up to the pain anymore. I don't want to have to suffer from the endless crying, painful heart constrictions and tortured thoughts and memories anymore. I just can't cope anymore. I don't want to cope anymore!

The only thing which keeps me going is my love's 'lifeline'... his hope that Tuvok will bring us together, closer than ever before, and ease the pain I'm suffering. I feel like rebelling at moments like these - perversely not wanting to ease the pain. It's the only thing I have left which links me to my husband. I feel as if I'd be betraying him - his memory - if I let Tuvok, or anyone else, ease the pain.

But the knowledge that this is what Tom wants overrides everything... For one last time I'll listen to my stubborn sweetheart. I'll heed his desire, his hope, his wish that I go through with this... I'll do this for my Tom, and trust in his judgement. After all, it's important to him, so that makes it important to me... It's the only thing I can do...

The door chime has just sounded: Tuvok's here. I guess it's time to make my husband's last wish - for me - come true...

Only for you, Tom. Only for you, my eternal love.

Computer: end log.

The End

Notes:

As explained in the 'Author's notes' at the top of the chapter, I've taken a big liberty in this story. I've written some scenes where Chakotay talks as if (or feels like) Tom is somehow still alive, or at least 'present' in spirit (even though this is set after Tom's death). I don't know anything about the belief systems of the aboriginal American people, as regards to the deceased and 'spirits', so I'm not going to claim that this is what Chakotay is doing...

...I wouldn't know, to be frank.

But because he's only a character in a story, I can bend the rules a bit and state that in 'my' universe, Chakotay is aware of 'spirits' and the 'spirit world' (outside of his meditation rituals), and can therefore sense the presence of his husband's spirit.

I hope that everyone can respect that I've made this distinction. I don't want to (and never set out to) offend or insult anyone's customs or cultural beliefs. If I have done so, I apologise profusely.